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Laura 2018-05-20T08:29:10+00:00

Update: Laura now has her own website.


Laura at Kingsboro

I was assigned to Laura on DATE at Queensboro

Her chart indicated a history of abuse from her father? mother? … suicide attempt … Counter Dependent ( as opposed to Covert Narcissism which she maintained she had after a youtube video when saw me at my private office).

The Psychologist 2 wrote the report with Counter Dependent… he considered himself an expert in Counter Dependency.

also difficulty changing points of view

Just tell me what to do!

 

After reporting to me that her teacher had  been … Laura was told to go back to her classroom … I was to reinforce this… I was told to reassure her and that the matter was being invested. I refused and she was reassigned to Psychologist 2.

The investigation was being conducted by  Jaraw the head  of Human Resources. The teacher was reassigned. but soon got another teaching job with NYC Board of Education

I was later reassigned

Saw her growing when away from her house… came back fragile from pass. This clinging to mother would continue when I saw her at my office but Laura was stronger then….

Her mother seemed very concerned. Wanted her to come home on passes but Laura seemed ambivalent about this. It seemed as if the mother needed Laura more than Laura needed her.

as it seemed turned out, Laura acted out before passes as if she was sabotaging them. She denied this.

She came back from passes upset but as the week progressed she became more persistent in asking for another pass home.

Her father was an alcoholic and was verbally abusive to her when drunk.

October of 1986 I reported an allegation involving JL , KV and teacher JF. For weeks later staff encouraged her to go to class with JF and she remained upset and went AWOL.  One year later JF left Kingsboro after being seen by Personnel and was later reported to have gotten a job teaching in a  NYC public school. Since then JF was seen by me and others several times near the Children and Youth building.

During another AWOL JL was discharged. I was told to fill out a discharge summary and service plan several weeks? (end of page 2 unclear)

During this time there were ways to contact JL. She said she didn’t want to return — she was afraid for her safety.

The need for concrete information was most clearly seen when I worked at Children and Youth. For example, a former patient of mine complained to me that her teacher was sexually abusing her. (I believe that the following series of incidences were not covered by the Bureau’s August 1989 investigation.) I informed the Treatment Team Leader who said that he would investigate. Other patients came to me with similar reports I was told that I could not talk to my patients about these issues because there was an investigation underway. This despite the fact that the patient who had first alleged abuse desperately

wanted to talk about the abuse during therapy sessions and even throughout the day.

She was showing  extreme  signs of stress and was in immediate  need of my

psychotherapeutic interventions as she was apparently not speaking to anyone else about these incidences. I was forbidden from taking about this in family sessions when her mother demanded to know why her daughter suddenly seemed to be falling apart. This is

a child allegedly raped by staff in a psychiatric hospital and forbidden  to  receive treatment for it! The staff member was allowed to  continued  to  work on the ward  and  a treatment plan was developed to  encourage the patient to  stay in his classroom. After  several  weeks  of no apparent indication of any investigati on, I reported the incident to Commission of Quality of Care.

The staff against whom the allegations were made was finally ordered off ground. However, he returned several times thereafter, apparently unnoticed by administration, but certainly noticed by other staff including myself, and most significantly, the patients themselves, who reacted with severe signs of distress .

As far as reporting these matters, I was told at the time that it was sufficient to tell Children and Youth administration who would do any necessary follow-up. I was specifically told not to write incident reports, or anyway follow-up on my concerns since it was already being investigated . I was told to utilize incident forms only after I reported these and other incidences to Governor Cuomo and the Commission of Quality of Care.

Laura disappears in two therapies 15 years apart

Post Kingsboro

Found and lost through the Internet

Laura contacted me through my website  Mediated.com. At first anonymously. She was seeing a lifecoach who said her problem was related to her mother who was a Covert Narcissist. She felt that she was having difficulty following his advise. She waanted my second opinion.

The same anger and confusion

Laura after Kingsboro

Laura’s sense of space was boundless so that she felt comfortable spending time outside of her room. She would never go outside without her iPhone as it helped maintain her boundless space and avoid

but also she found that people keep their distance from her when was able to project

Difference between narrative and fantasy

In some ways, it was a strength to maintain her physical distance from me …

cyberspace protected her physically and allowed the possibility of opening up emotionally.

stopped because face-to-face too stressful and tendency to skip sessions when things were getting too close.

there was difficulty with the closeness of face to face
lowered bandwidth to the website then even lower to narrative then lower still to fantasy

She saw me as becoming too controlling and needy like her mother (both of us Covert Narcissists) and protected herself. From the Internet she came and to the Internet she left. I suspect she hidden somewhere among my users … one leading contender who has allowed me to fictionalize her story is (weblink to her webpage the Cornenant site)

Using angels thinking as an index… angels laughing Laura?

A dialogue: from repetition to acting out to enacting to dialogue to change and understanding

Good reality orientation, although when under stress ideas of reference increase and become more connected to more encompassing delusional material and references begin to more acutely effect perception almost to hallucination. Also at such times she uses, for instance, talks about herself as Freda

At first, didn’t know it was her. Laura was an online persona so not had to reveal who she was. She used the name Laura which is the name that is used her to continue to protect her privacy.

Used her avid interest in Voynich MS as a way of advancing her superior insight from its manifestation beyond ideas of reference. It is a matter of reowning your projection (jung on individuation and projection),

Laura sees herself in her online character.  She initially establishing her dialogue through the Voynich post. D questions whether it is she sharing her knowledge and experimentation of the MS or merely his own ideas of reference.

[nextpage title=”More Voynich” ]

Mediated Article on <a href=”http://mediated.com/2016/06/06/voynich-ms/”>The Voynich MS</a>

[/nextpage]

Mediated Article on The Voynich MS

She was obsessed with the Voynich Manuscript and it became the single most therapeutic connection between us as we maintained contact over the Internet.the parallel process between Laura trying to find meaning in Voynich MS and me trying to find meaning in fitting my notes together, resting on the shaking assumption that there is meaning there to be had.

Mother was trying to suck me into family dynamics

Released to mother with whom she now lives. Father lives near by. Laura is seeking a respute/ parachute placing… only accept on an emergency basis

Two? years after she found and reached out to me through my Mediated website

and asked to see me in my private practice.

She hid in her bedroom … she focused on her computer … more youtube than godaddy. Searched for me and came onto UpLoadedMe and my office and used a fake identity to communicate through Voyniche MS

She seemed to be more assertive and motivated to… more determined to get what she wants but still lacking in good judgement

Mother reports:

She has not slept at night, she has been staying up in the nights on and off and sleeping in the day for several weeks now. She just stays in her room staring at her computer I try to counsel her, but she won’t listen.  Whenever I try to help her, she pushes me away. I separated from her father several years ago but sometimes he still visits.If there is anything else I can assist with her treatment, please let me know.

Mother trying to deny guilt by trying to undo the past instead

This generated in me a feeling of …

LauraLaura  …  a sense of guilt that allowed her the security of being alone (at the expense of feeling lonely).

when I saw her in m office: seemed that she was more freed herself from her mother .
Good morning, this is Laura mother. Laura won’t talk to me about her therapy but, I just want to share some info. Please don’t tell her that I’m texting you, she gets very upset, she doesn’t want me to be in her business.
This is Laura Jay’s mother, sorry to bother you again. I know that Laura stopped coming to see you, but I was wondering whether you may still be able to reach out to her…. If possible, please reach out to her or advise me what to do, thank you….
Just a note that her father keeps on trying to reach out to her, which gets her upset. she went out to dinner two nights ago… I think she is manipulating her.(Mother reaching out for support through Laura)
The need to focus on the patient, not the family, which is best served in a separate therapeutic dialogue;
I will discuss with Laura whether she wants me to communicate with you (and you with me) and then share my sense of the best course going forward…
. I will also ask her to discuss this with you. It is important that Laura feels that she is aware of everything that I learn about her from outside sources.
Her Friend With No Name as her mother calls him/her … splitting… Laura’s splitting, protecting her friends from being contaminating by her mother.
See Docdee post where he begins to feel entrapped

Differentiation between teacher and therapist.

(Need for containment. She sees through others… their weaknesses, they’re absurdities but despite that, she reaches out to them since her need for connectedness is stronger.. But why don’t they help her? She is at least aware of these absurdities. She is aware of her own absurdities and tries to rain them in. )

The Laura before and the Laura after Queensboro when I next saw her were much different (and why?)

And then something similar happened at Queensboro.

Mother was concerned out of her own guilt and sense of being an inadequate mother. she was incapable of taking enough care of herself (despite seemingly great efforts on her part) to have enough left over for others. An abusive husband who separated but still comes over… alcoholic…

she suffered in her room… there was no one to socialize with except for some poorly defined objects relations in her head.. hoping that her parents will see her and express concern… but when they happened to show (she left the door slightly open) — nothing.

Did they just not care enough to see, or were they purposely non-responsive so that I would become more independent and not so reliant on their attention. Most likely the attention I was seeking and they were most unwilling to share was a disappointment in me. And by resisting them I was establishing my journey towards independence and strength.


(As it turned out there was a better way to conceptualize  Laura’s  “character structure” than the one I elaborate in my psychological report. In fact, blindingly pleaded with me to hear her own formulation that more closely expressed who she was.)

I can take better care of others than I can of himself. It his through his caring of others that I can gain more caring for myself.

It was only several months later that I realized that she had been following me on my website Mediated soon after we ended our sessions.

Was Laura going to make it? Should I text? Was I too probing? It was her time so we were already working whether she was physically present or not.

Was she escaping from face-to-face into the clouds?

What was her last text?

Would I be acting out? In? if I checked now.

Need for boundaries between characters and patients

She needs to accept and contain her anger so that she doesn’t experience it as a merely destructive constructive force   –a rejection of those whom she experienced as sucking her in for their own needs … her father, mother, teacher, and Rebecca


Overly sensitive to social interactions as part of a diffuse sense of self. (In testing, difficulty shifting “point of view”. — give examples from testing and observations and history.

Anger at being rejected by friends… but should the anger be placed at her friends or at herself for being unworthy of friendship? …

she has difficulty tellings where she begins and where they end.  — identity diffusion. Social contacts are overloaded….  highly sensitive… ideas of reference….


Reports done both at Queensboro and at private office

Looking back it is interesting how the whistleblowing function are in some cases  more distinct than Laura herself….

Testing reports can be found here (link to follow).

The boundaries of ego, body, and identity

The issue of counter-dependency… Laura hates what she describes as her narcissism… but this is a healthy aspect to this … it is her striving to become more truly self-centered and not merely counter-dependent

Laura cannot readily see things from another person’s point of view while still holding onto her own perspective Because she has difficulty manipulate, or shift between, two perspectives, she experiences her identity as threatened when she .ather.. consider someone else’s point of view fmore angry and disappointed than sympathetic but resigned… mother too needy of Laura”s love and Laura leaving Laura to control her mother’s stability

Her formation of a negative identity by embracing her own in many cases more diagnostic valueable understanding of her distress .

????And then able to interact with the therapist on the Internet through a false identity. This internet therapist could just as well be a  robot with IA


Laura confessed that she was capable of mental telepathy. We tried one through one hundred. She appeared to guess my number more than chance. It appeared that I was becoming better at it but still not as accurate as her. She put much effort into moving objects through force of will … she was uncertain as to how successful these experiments were.

she participated just enough to give plausible denial to the charge that she didn’t give it a chance. She came sporadically for several months.




attempted but dropped out of first year of college




To be integrated:


Couldn’t complete first year of college

got a job data entry but the oscial adjustment was too difficult … the ole “integrity of identity” versus the risk of losing it the social sphere and never having a safe space to retreat into.

Through  the “mediated  space” a space where you can feel in control of this balance, the tipping the toes in the water” at her own pace was there a meeting of minds and souls  … at times she was able to acknowledge to herself ( and to a lesser degree to me) that the MS was just a vessel , a safe space in which a relationship could incidentally develop

no social life … but compensates with a rich inner life … The interpreation of Form and its relationship to “reality orientation in the Rorschach

She has agreed to put online and is, in fact following along. As our relationship has since ended I can tell you up front not to expect any absorbing plot or intrigue or good story. In short, she simply stopped our online sessions…. For the past year

We have discussed and both feel it helpful to publish. we wanted public from beginning as it was all occurs in cyberspace

she warned me when she thought I was doing “my therapy thing”

she wouldn’t accept formal therapy … she came and went at her will… but often on Tuesday or Thursday leaving a comment or two.

Nevertheless, Laura very much wants to have friends. So she attempts to reach out in an awkward manner without too much eagerness, and then doesn’t understand why her efforts to connect with her peers are so unsuccessful.

… Ideas of reference elaborating into delusions fear of dissolving into the relationship

online is a safe place to retreat and have control over how much social stress to allow. A lurker

it’s because she’s “in hiding” and not really dealing with people. Socially, other kids pick up on this and, as a result, Laura is frequently bullied and teased for being different.

Verbally, Laura is talking TO, not WITH, someone else.

. the consolidation of identity

Because she cannot let go of her own perspective to appreciate what someone else may be seeing or feeling, social interaction does not go smoothly. Moreover, Laura is threatened by extreme social anxiety when she feels on the verge of surrendering her own identity in order to account for someone else’s. Emotionally, she is preoccupied with the conflict of how to protect from losing her identity and, at the same time, have friendships with other children, which she very much desire.

Goal of Laura ’s therapy was to be  helping her maintain her sense of identity in social situation ….. needs her own space. She reacts against intrusions, even if meant to be helpful, because they are perceived as threats to her very integrity.

Identity Issues

she has  fascination with Frida  Kahlo which in the transferential space becomes affixed to Voynich …  she agrees that the words are meaningless except as action writing without any verbal sense … however she argues that the words are appendages to the pictures which are full of meaning and she translates for me by using software on the images.  This is one of the thematic lines , the line between apophenia and insight where our sense of identity our ability to make sense of the world out there against seeing patterns that either don’t exist or carry unique and valuable insights.

We both use these researches as a media through which we become co-authors in a relationship

Why early 20s: I work best…

a verbal insightful dialogue with a give and take… the development of an adult identity…

From Previous Draft of Laura:

(My paper:The Psychotherapeutic Use of Cyberspace)

Our comments have been incorporated into the narrative itself

We spent several years going nowheres. Now Laura is 21 and she has a more reachable eager interest in Frida Kahlo… and I think this is a good change in direction.she came out of obedience to her parents

she participated just enough to give plausible denial to the charge that she didn’t give it a chance

Anger at being rejected by friends… but should she be place the anger at her friends or her friends? … part of the difficulty is that she has difficulty tellings the one from the other because of poor ego boundaries  — identity

Parents were afraid of the outside world and wanted to protect Laura …but  Laura picked up their fear not the desire to protect … they encouraged socialization by denying the fear that she was expressing. The guilt they felt over this and their sense of failure over it was what brought Laura in …

Parents took recommendation to see parental counseling with…

the need for  guidelines lacking on how to set time and money parameters … central in any type of psychotherapeutic endeavor but more so in the wild west of virtual reality.

mfather more angry and disappointed than sympathetic but resigned… mother too needy of Laura”s love and Laura leaving Laura to control her mother’s stability

Her formation of a negative identity by emerging from everything the therapist wasn’t. And then able to interact with the therapist on the Internet through a false identity. This internet therapist could just as well be a  robot with IA

Eliza

Laura had been following me online since then (unbeknownst to me) since that time.

Laura never gave up her need for social contact

Was Laura going to make it? Should I text? Was I too probing. It was her time so we were already working whether she was physically present or not.

Was she escaping from face-to-face into the clouds?

What was her last text?

Would I be acting out? In? if I checked now.

Laura never committed to the real-life, instead focusing on contacted the virtural culture (sometimes denounced as lerkers)

She was much more comfortable with video than in person … something I found unexpected since I had to work at overcoming my own uncoftablness when I first started.When she came out it was from behind an avator … an as-if person…

related to writings of Pirandello and George Kelly  create a character for the patient to pretend to be feelings direct our experience of the world around us  Damasio
survival directs our attention –> self-consciousness?

anxiety and fear shape the environment utilizing an overclocked synthetic function

emotional distress over-stimules the synthetic function … we conceive with our feelings Damasio

Graziano

I suspect that she is the one who …. She currently denies it

<> listen to the sound of the voice to determine who is Laura and who is you and instead of a higher power there is just sand, lots and lots of sand

Diamond Sutra

belongs with <>

stopped because face-to-face too stressful and tendency to skip sessions when things were getting too close.

there was difficulty with the closeness of face to face

A post onTom Swift and his motorcycle: what we are exploring here is a “transitional space” that opens up into the singularity

Using angels thinking as index… angels laughing Laura?

A dialogue : from repetition to acting out to enacting to dialogue to change and understanding

Good reality orientation, although when under stress ideas of reference increase and become more connected into more encompassing delusional material and references begin to more acutely effect perception almost toallucination. Also at such times she uses , for instance, talks of herself as Freda

At first didn’t know it was her. Laura was a online persona so not had to reveal who she was. She used the name Laura which is the name that is used her to continue to protect her privacy.

She maintained secretive contact through website

but finally decided to contact me in disguise when I put up the

article on the Voynich MS

parallel process between Laura trying to find meaning  in Voynich and me trying to find meaning in fitting my notes together, resting on the shaking assumption that there is meaning there to be had

Many of the details have been changed, written comments and events fictionalized in order to protect privacy but also to make for a smoother narrative

quote from Agate

… She is now 20ish

attempted but dropped out of first year of college

girl-763576

Parents encouraging her to return and be willing to pay

Couldn’t complete first year of college

got a job data entry but the oscial adjustment was too difficult … the ole “integrity of identity” versus the risk of losing it the social sphere and never having a safe space to retreat into.

Through  the “mediated  space” a space where you can feel in control of this balance, the tipping the toes in the water” at her own pace was there a meeting of minds and souls  … at times she was able to acknowledge to herself ( and to a lesser degree to me) that the MS was just a vessel , a safe space in which a relationship could incidentally develop

no social life … but compensates with a rich inner life … The interpreation of Form and its relationship to “reality orientation in the Rorschach

She has agreed to put online and is, in fact following along. As our relationship has since ended I can tell you up front not to expect any absorbing plot or intrigue or good story. In short, she simply stopped our online sessions…. For the past year

We have discussed and both feel it helpful to publish. we wanted public from beginning as it was all occurs in cyberspace

However, there is a male who started commenting 6 months after Laura stopped … Could it be? The boundaries of ego, body and identity

I have continued pursuing my interests in online therapy.

Laura cannot readily see things from another person’s point of view while still holding onto her own perspective Because she has difficulty manipulate, or shift between, two perspectives, she experiences her identity as threatened when she … consider someone else’s point of

she warned me when she thought I was doing “my therapy thing”

she wouldn’t accept formal therapy … she came and went at her will… but often on Tuesday or Thursday leaving a comment or two.

And my thought about video therapy sessions.

use it on a more or less structured way?

use of texting with some to varying degrees

Nevertheless, Laura very much wants to have friends. So she attempts to reach out in an awkward manner without too much eagerness, and then doesn’t understand why her efforts to connect with her peers are so unsuccessful.

 

Frida would want her to contact me … Ideas of reference elaborating into delusions fear of dissolving into the relationship

online is a safe place to retreat and have control over how much social stress to allow. A lurker

it’s because she’s “in hiding” and not really dealing with people. Socially, other kids pick up on this and, as a result, Laura is frequently bullied and teased for being different.

Verbally, Laura is talking TO, not WITH, someone else.

. the consolidation of identity

Because she cannot let go of her own perspective to appreciate what someone else may be seeing or feeling, social interaction does not go smoothly. Moreover, Laura is threatened by extreme social anxiety when she feels on the verge of surrendering her own identity in order to account for someone else’s. Emotionally, she is preoccupied with the conflict of how to protect from losing her identity and, at the same time, have friendships with other children, which she very much desire.

 

 

Laura ’s therapy helping her maintain her sense of identity in social situation ….. needs her own space. She reacts against intrusions, even if meant to be helpful, because they are perceived as threats to her very integrity.

Identity Issues

she has intense fascination with Frida which in the transferential space becomes affixed to Voynich …  she agrees that the words are meaningless except as action writing without any verbal sense … however she argues that the words are appendages to the pictures which are full of meaning and she translates for me by using software on the images.  This is one of the thematic lines , the line between apophrnia and insight where our sense of identity our ability to make sense of the world out there against seeing patterns that either don’t exist or carry unique and valuable insights.

We both use these researches as a media through which we become co-authors in a relationship

Frida Kahlo

Frida Kahlo *gelatin silver print *Oct. 16 / 1932

Frida Kahlo
*gelatin silver print
*Oct. 16 / 1932

Pirandello sat in his writing room into which characters came to him to share their narratives (img) King Henry wrote narratives for everyone he came in contact with George Kelly wrote characters for his patients. action takes place in the dialogue between therapist and patient…. subjectivism, Socratic Dialogue Object Relations Winnicott and the Squiggle Game Online Games Analytic Attitude Object Relations as a dialogue between entities … entities joining up to form an identity Endgame : the externalized dramatization of psychic object relations Gibson?:Cyberspace is the space which you enter on the telephone. Now social apps. Narrat

Why early 20s: I work best…

a verbal insightful dialogue with a give and take… the development of an adult identity…

I do my writing between patients (often between evening and morning patients)… Pirandello’s studio

My own failure as a patient/student/follower

Battling it out in institutions … finally able to focus on my work in my room

Pirandello’s characters coming to him in his study … (I remember this but can’t get precise quote… maybe later)

Only think you should get is money

creating within the transferential arena…

“Fictionalization of Psychoanalysis”

but generally feeling works neither as fiction or nonfiction Solomon as emotions happening in space between people a product of the therapy…

Books happen there as well

always Coded Nodes Process as and introduction and overview of the rest of the study the code prevents it from turning into a labyrinth or maze. Similar to how the process of assembling my notes had become an interpersonal dialogue The case where the therapeutic alliance breaks down in the termination phase – taking the training wheels off Plato as failing in the termination stage with his teacher Socrates Coded Nodes Process as and introduction and overview of the rest of the study An adventure each chapter a node

Pale Fire: narrative truth, historical truth the process of assembling notes as a mediated interpersonal dialogue between experiences of the self bring Graziano in here The case where the therapeutic alliance breaks down in the termination phase – taking the training wheels off Plato as failing in the termination stage with his teacher Socrates

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