Update: Laura now has her own website.

 


 

I was assigned to Laura on DATE at Queensboro

Her chart indicated a history of abuse from her father … suicide attempt

Her mother seemed very concerned. Wanted her to come home on passes but Laura seemed ambivalent on this. It seemed as if mother needed Laura more than Laura needed her.

In fact, as it turned out, Laura acted out before passes as if she was sabotaging them. She denied this.

She came back from passes upset but as the week progressed she became more persistent in asking for another pass home.

Her father was an alcoholic and was verbally abuse to her when drunk.Later of abuse from her teacher at facility

She requested to see me in private  practice after discharge

Several ye

Mother reports:

She has not sleep at night, she has been staying up in the nights on and off and sleeping in the day for several weeks now. She just stays in her room starring at her computer I try to counsel her, but she won’t listen.  Whenever I try to help her, she pushes me away. I separated from her fther several years ago  but some times he still visits.If there is anything else i can assist with her treatment, please let me know.

Laura. she aggregated and consolidated all her social feelings into a sense of guilt that allowed her the security of being alone (at the expense of feeling lonely).

 

 

 

Good morning, this is Laura mother. Laura won’t talk to me about her therapy but, i just want to share some info. Please don’t tell her that I’m texting you, she gets very upset, she doesn’t want me to be in her business.
This is Laura Jay’s mother, sorry to bother you again. I know that Laura stopped coming to see you, but i was wondering whether you may still be able to reach out to her…. If possible, please reach out to her or advise me what to do, thank you…. Just a note that her father keeps on trying to reach out to her, which gets her upset. she went out to dinner two nights ago… I think she is manipulating her.(Mother resching out for support through Laura)
The need to focus on the patient, not the family, which is best served in a separate therapeutic dialogue;
I will discuss with Laura whether she wants me to communicate with you (and you with me) and abide with her decision. I will also ask her to discuss this with you. It is important that Laura feel that she is aware of everything that I learn about her from outside sources. Again, I will not say anything about the content of your text, just that you want to communicate with me.
Her Friend With No Name as her mother calls him/her … splitting… Laura’s splitting, protecting her friends from being contaminating by her mother.
See Docdee post where he begins to feel entrapped

Differentiation between teacher and therapist.

(Need for containment. She sees through others… their weaknesses, they’re absurdities but despite that they pull it off and are accepting of each other. But why don’t they accept her. She is at least aware of these absurdities. She is aware  of her own absrudities and tries to rain them in. )

 


And then something similar happened at Queensboro.

Maria concerned out of her own guilt and sense of being an inadequate mother. she was incapable of taking enough care of herself to have enough left over for others. Abusive husband who separated but still comes over… alcoholic…

she suffered  in her room… there was no one to socialize with except for some poorly defined  objects relations in her head.. hoping that her parents will see her and express concern… but when they happened to show (she left the door slightly open) — nothing.

Did they just not care enough to see, or were purposely non-responsive so that I would become more independent and not so reliant on their attention. Most likely the attention I was seeking and they were most unwilling to share was a disappointment in me. And by resisting them I was establishing my journey towards independence and strength.


(As it turned out there was a better way to conceptualize  Laura’s  “character structure” than the one I elaborate in my  my psychological report . In fact blindingly pleaded with me to hear her own formulation that more closely expressed who she was.)

 

[answer]

This is good,  you are asserting your independence and applying yourself to positive change and growth. Just don’t forget the needs of yours which were not sufficiently meet: the need for self-esteem, unconditional love and the ability to spontaneously share your anger. Underneath every thing there is anger and underneath that is lack of nurturance and loneliness. I think you have the inner resources to start ventilating through verbalization which is a way for you to more efficiently ventilate, share, and interact in a more influential manner with the others around you.  Example of transforming yelling (with the desire to suppress it for feel of shame) into an exhilarating ventilation in the form of your texts to me.

[/answer]

I can take better care of others than he can of himself. It his through his caring of others that I can gain more caring for myself.


 

It was only several months later that I realized that she had been following me on my website Mediated soon after we ended our sessions.

Was Laura going to make it? Should I text? Was I too probing. It was her time so we were already working whether she was physically present or not.

Was she escaping from face-to-face into the clouds?

What was her last text?

Would I be acting out? In? if I checked now.

Need for boundaries between characters and patients

She needs to accept and contain her anger so that she doesn’t experience it as merely destructive constructive force   –a rejection of those whom she experienced as sucking  her in for their own needs … her father, mother, teacher and Rebecca

Laura never committed to the real-life, instead focusing on contacted the virtural culture (sometimes denounced as lurkers)

The nature of social media relationhips …. link to article on this

In some ways it was a strength to maintain her physical distance from me … cyberspace protected her physically and allowed the possibility of opening up emotionally.

stopped because face-to-face too stressful and tendency to skip sessions when things were getting too close.

there was difficulty with the closeness of face to face

Using angels thinking as index… angels laughing Laura?

A dialogue : from repetition to acting out to enacting to dialogue to change and understanding

Good reality orientation, although when under stress ideas of reference increase and become more connected into more encompassing delusional material and references begin to more acutely effect perception almost toallucination. Also at such times she uses , for instance, talks of herself as Freda

At first didn’t know it was her. Laura was a online persona so not had to reveal who she was. She used the name Laura which is the name that is used her to continue to protect her privacy.


The Voynich MS as a way of advancing her superior insight from its manifestation beyond  ideas of reference. It is a matter of reowning your projection (jung onindividuation and projection),

Laura  sees herself in her online character.  She intially establishing her dialogue through the Voynich post. D questions whether it is she sharing her knowledge and experimention of the MS or merely his own ideas of reference.

 

 

[nextpage title=”More Voynich” ]

Mediated Article on <a href=”http://mediated.com/2016/06/06/voynich-ms/”>The Voynich MS</a>

She was obsessed with the <a href=”http://www.voynich.nu/intro.html”>Voynich Manuscript</a> and it  became the single most therapeutic connection between us as we maintained contact over the Internet.parallel process between Laura trying to find meaning  in <a href=”http://www.voynich.nu/intro.html”>Voynich MS</a> and me trying to find meaning in fitting my notes together, resting on the shaking assumption that there is meaning there to be had.

[/nextpage]

Mediated Article on The Voynich MS

She was obsessed with the Voynich Manuscript and it  became the single most therapeutic connection between us as we maintained contact over the Internet.parallel process between Laura trying to find meaning  in Voynich MS and me trying to find meaning in fitting my notes together, resting on the shaking assumption that there is meaning there to be had.

 


Overly sensitive to social interactions as part of diffuse sense of self . (In testing, difficulty shifting “point of view”. — give examples from testing and observations and history.

Anger at being rejected by friends… but should  the anger  be placed at her friends or at herself for being unworthy of friendship? …

she has difficulty tellings where she begins and where they end.  — identity diffusion. Social contacts are overloaded….  highly sensitive… ideas of reference….


Reports done both at Queensboro and at private office

 

Testing reports can be found here (link to follow).

The boundaries of ego, body and identity

The issue of counter-dependency… Laura hates what she describes as her narcissisism… but this is a healthy aspect to this … it is her striving to become more truly self-centered and not merely counter-dependent

Laura cannot readily see things from another person’s point of view while still holding onto her own perspective Because she has difficulty manipulate, or shift between, two perspectives, she experiences her identity as threatened when she … consider someone else’s point of viewfather more angry and disappointed than sympathetic but resigned… mother too needy of Laura”s love and Laura leaving Laura to control her mother’s stability

Her formation of a negative identity by emerging from everything the therapist wasn’t. And then able to interact with the therapist on the Internet through a false identity. This internet therapist could just as well be a  robot with IA


Laura confessed that she was capable of mental telepathy. We tried one through one hundred. She appeared to guess my number more than chance. It appeared that I was becoming better at it but still not as accurate as her. She put much effort into moving objects through force of will … she was uncertain as to how successful these experiments were.

she participated just enough to give plausible denial to the charge that she didn’t give it a chance. She came sporadically for several months.

 


[question]Ideas of reference?[/question] [answer] Ideas of reference (link to be added) describe the phenomenon of an individual’s experiencing innocuous events or mere coincidences and believing they have strong personal significance. Example from our work together: that posts on social network websites or Internet blogs have hidden meanings pertaining to them. Find article related to Ideas of reference  here  (link to be added)[/answer]

 

 


 

attempted but dropped out of first year of college




To be integrated:

 

20 Signs You Are With A “Covert” Narcissist: http://youtu.be/-WVLZXLyO-M

samvak.tripod.com/faq66.html

 The video is really long so i dont know if you might want to just replace my next session with just watching the video. I dont want to waste too much of your time so it would be fine. Again im not trying to be anything its that you mentioned bpd and i was curous and I just happened to find this. I actually hate pychology because I dont understand it at all which is why im bringing this up. Thanks.

I lost her when I didn’t see how insightful her Inverted Narcissist was and I should have continued  our dialogue from there…  I need to reengage her from that point.

Ive been going insane for three days now i dont know what to do i dont think this is ever going to end i can barely move and i was supposed to go to the job today and i cant just tell me what to do i cant go to your office or anything either and i dont want to i dont want to talk to anyone just tell me what to do

Laura,

I would call your job and cancel. Try writing your feelings down and send them to me. 

I also have an opening tomorrow at 10:00 am. You may  need to get medication to get you through these periods of high anxiety. If all that fails, you might try calling  Respite.

Keep me informed of what you decide to do. I have a busy schedule today but I will try to get back to you as soon as I ca

Laura,

I would call your job and cancel. Try writing your feelings down and send them to me. 

I also have an opening tomorrow at 10:00 am. You may  need to get medication to get you through these periods of high anxiety. If all that fails, you might try calling Parachute Respite.

Keep me informed of what you decide to do. I have a busy schedule today but I will try to get back to you as soon as I ca

I did cancel. Ive just been really disturbed by that video. I really couldnt stop obsessing over it. Whether I was that or not. But i think it might be just be because I always feel like a fraud so mabey it plays into that. thats the last time i ever watch videos like that again. I really regret it. never never never again. I dont know why i always feel like a fraud i dont think i want you to tell me i cant handle anything right now. Even that last email i wrote like that because i get really arrogant/defensive when i get paraniod and feel like im being controlled. Ive just completely lost focus it completely just theOk i feel a little better um ill let you know if i decide to come in tommorrow.

i dont why this happened but i started feeling troubled for a bit and tried to distract myself but then out of nowhere i started thinking that i was gonna die and you were gonna die and everyone was gonna die and i started crying and screaming and i thought of slitting my throat and banging my head against something and was really angry and was hiting the sofa. This just happened like 5 mins ago.

I just spoke to my mom that if my father didnt leave i was gonna kill him. But i realized it doesnt matter because its not just him there all fruads. There all devils dressed up as angels. So its pointless to give a fuck about them. I even appluaded her for being such a great actor and that i think they should all win a reward for best conartist best manipulator because im really impressed with these people i really am i dont want to be part of these peoples lives in fact i pretty much hate all people even this society is nothing but a zero sum con artist game. I should just destroy everyone because really were nothing but digusting  parasites living on this earth

Keep up the fight, Laura, and you reach a better place. Just remember there are good people too and you need to embrace them.

DocDee

I dont know why i bother to keep on living. Even if i get better its not like theres anything really to gain. I should really just die and become nothing. Thats what everything else is anyway and always will be. This world will probably be destroyed anyway. All roads lead to death and misery no matter what you try. Nature doesnt give a fuck about how much you want to live how much u want to be good. There is no good. Nature just wants to make u believe that its all pretty and wonderful and then snatch it away like the cold bitch it really is.

I still get addicted to the internet and I get caught in a vicious circle and can’t stop trying to figure out the line what to do and get stuck and can.t goanywhere or do anything else.

Also I feel like people will just end up finding out i’m a weird freaking monster once they really get to know me so there’s no point in trying to get real friends.

Laura,

[answer]

It’s important that you discuss these issues with your new therapist. Although it is not illegal, I do not feel I can adequately help you unless I see you in my office on a regular bases. Your new therapist has a different approach then mine and I think it would be two confusing to reach out to the both of us at the same time. Talk to him or her and tell them that they may contact me to discuss this issue with me if they wish to.

Best of luck,

DocDee

[/answer]

[question]

I talked to ghi and they said i could have two therapist as long as i dont see two on the same day but the same week is fine so may i come in saturday if your available? Sorry for the last email I get like that in those moments when i lose my mind but its short like the panic attacks so I think its sort of like that.

[/question]

[question]Ok I have a problem because I’m not sure whether I should come tomorrow because I’m not sure how I feel about it anymore and I believe that I may lack the ability to reflect upon myself and now I think it might be a little impossible to gain that ability so yeah I don’t know because I think I might havee vide been looking for something but didn’t know what it was so now im just making a bunch of stuff up to feel like i do know what it is. do you have any suggestions.[/question]

Laura, I rewatched the youtube video on Inverted Narcissism and want to ask you some questions about it.


Couldn’t complete first year of college

got a job data entry but the oscial adjustment was too difficult … the ole “integrity of identity” versus the risk of losing it the social sphere and never having a safe space to retreat into.

Through  the “mediated  space” a space where you can feel in control of this balance, the tipping the toes in the water” at her own pace was there a meeting of minds and souls  … at times she was able to acknowledge to herself ( and to a lesser degree to me) that the MS was just a vessel , a safe space in which a relationship could incidentally develop

no social life … but compensates with a rich inner life … The interpreation of Form and its relationship to “reality orientation in the Rorschach

She has agreed to put online and is, in fact following along. As our relationship has since ended I can tell you up front not to expect any absorbing plot or intrigue or good story. In short, she simply stopped our online sessions…. For the past year

We have discussed and both feel it helpful to publish. we wanted public from beginning as it was all occurs in cyberspace

she warned me when she thought I was doing “my therapy thing”

she wouldn’t accept formal therapy … she came and went at her will… but often on Tuesday or Thursday leaving a comment or two.

Nevertheless, Laura very much wants to have friends. So she attempts to reach out in an awkward manner without too much eagerness, and then doesn’t understand why her efforts to connect with her peers are so unsuccessful.

… Ideas of reference elaborating into delusions fear of dissolving into the relationship

online is a safe place to retreat and have control over how much social stress to allow. A lurker

it’s because she’s “in hiding” and not really dealing with people. Socially, other kids pick up on this and, as a result, Laura is frequently bullied and teased for being different.

Verbally, Laura is talking TO, not WITH, someone else.

. the consolidation of identity

Because she cannot let go of her own perspective to appreciate what someone else may be seeing or feeling, social interaction does not go smoothly. Moreover, Laura is threatened by extreme social anxiety when she feels on the verge of surrendering her own identity in order to account for someone else’s. Emotionally, she is preoccupied with the conflict of how to protect from losing her identity and, at the same time, have friendships with other children, which she very much desire.

 

Goal of Laura ’s therapy was to be  helping her maintain her sense of identity in social situation ….. needs her own space. She reacts against intrusions, even if meant to be helpful, because they are perceived as threats to her very integrity.

Identity Issues

she has  fascination with Frida  Kahlo which in the transferential space becomes affixed to Voynich …  she agrees that the words are meaningless except as action writing without any verbal sense … however she argues that the words are appendages to the pictures which are full of meaning and she translates for me by using software on the images.  This is one of the thematic lines , the line between apophenia and insight where our sense of identity our ability to make sense of the world out there against seeing patterns that either don’t exist or carry unique and valuable insights.

We both use these researches as a media through which we become co-authors in a relationship

Why early 20s: I work best…

a verbal insightful dialogue with a give and take… the development of an adult identity…

[question]This is me asking a question[/question] [answer]This is Laura answering[/answer]

 

 

From Previous Draft of Laura:

(My paper:The Psychotherapeutic Use of Cyberspace)

Our comments have been incorporated into the narrative itself

She had an eager interest in Laurie Anderson… she fantasied about becoming Laurie Anderson-like … among other things, it was safe because she could never be Laurie Anderson-like. We spent several years going nowheres. Now Laura is 21 and she has a more reachable eager interest in Frida Kahlo… and I think this is a good change in direction.she came out of obedience to her parents

she participated just enough to give plausible denial to the charge that she didn’t give it a chance

Anger at being rejected by friends… but should she be place the anger at her friends or her friends? … part of the difficulty is that she has difficulty tellings the one from the other because of poor ego boundaries  — identity

Parents were afraid of the outside world and wanted to protect Laura …but  Laura picked up their fear not the desire to protect … they encouraged socialization by denying the fear that she was expressing. The guilt they felt over this and their sense of failure over it was what brought Laura in …

Parents took recommendation to see parental counseling with…

the need for  guidelines lacking on how to set time and money parameters … central in any type of psychotherapeutic endeavor but more so in the wild west of virtual reality.

mfather more angry and disappointed than sympathetic but resigned… mother too needy of Laura”s love and Laura leaving Laura to control her mother’s stability

Her formation of a negative identity by emerging from everything the therapist wasn’t. And then able to interact with the therapist on the Internet through a false identity. This internet therapist could just as well be a  robot with IA

Eliza

Laura had been following me online since then (unbeknownst to me) since that time.

Laura never gave up her need for social contact

Was Laura going to make it? Should I text? Was I too probing. It was her time so we were already working whether she was physically present or not.

Was she escaping from face-to-face into the clouds?

What was her last text?

Would I be acting out? In? if I checked now.

Laura never committed to the real-life, instead focusing on contacted the virtural culture (sometimes denounced as lerkers)

She was much more comfortable with video than in person … something I found unexpected since I had to work at overcoming my own uncoftablness when I first started.When she came out it was from behind an avator … an as-if person…

related to writings of Pirandello and George Kelly  create a character for the patient to pretend to be feelings direct our experience of the world around us  Damasio
survival directs our attention –> self-consciousness?

anxiety and fear shape the environment utilizing an overclocked synthetic function

emotional distress over-stimules the synthetic function … we conceive with our feelings Damasio

Graziano

I suspect that she is the one who …. She currently denies it

<> listen to the sound of the voice to determine who is Laura and who is you and instead of a higher power there is just sand, lots and lots of sand

Diamond Sutra

belongs with <>

stopped because face-to-face too stressful and tendency to skip sessions when things were getting too close.

there was difficulty with the closeness of face to face

A post onTom Swift and his motorcycle: what we are exploring here is a “transitional space” that opens up into the singularity

Using angels thinking as index… angels laughing Laura?

A dialogue : from repetition to acting out to enacting to dialogue to change and understanding

Good reality orientation, although when under stress ideas of reference increase and become more connected into more encompassing delusional material and references begin to more acutely effect perception almost toallucination. Also at such times she uses , for instance, talks of herself as Freda

At first didn’t know it was her. Laura was a online persona so not had to reveal who she was. She used the name Laura which is the name that is used her to continue to protect her privacy.

She maintained secretive contact through website

but finally decided to contact me in disguise when I put up the

article on the Voynich MS

parallel process between Laura trying to find meaning  in Voynich and me trying to find meaning in fitting my notes together, resting on the shaking assumption that there is meaning there to be had

Many of the details have been changed, written comments and events fictionalized in order to protect privacy but also to make for a smoother narrative

quote from Agate

… She is now 20ish

attempted but dropped out of first year of college

girl-763576

Parents encouraging her to return and be willing to pay

Couldn’t complete first year of college

got a job data entry but the oscial adjustment was too difficult … the ole “integrity of identity” versus the risk of losing it the social sphere and never having a safe space to retreat into.

Through  the “mediated  space” a space where you can feel in control of this balance, the tipping the toes in the water” at her own pace was there a meeting of minds and souls  … at times she was able to acknowledge to herself ( and to a lesser degree to me) that the MS was just a vessel , a safe space in which a relationship could incidentally develop

no social life … but compensates with a rich inner life … The interpreation of Form and its relationship to “reality orientation in the Rorschach

She has agreed to put online and is, in fact following along. As our relationship has since ended I can tell you up front not to expect any absorbing plot or intrigue or good story. In short, she simply stopped our online sessions…. For the past year

We have discussed and both feel it helpful to publish. we wanted public from beginning as it was all occurs in cyberspace

However, there is a male who started commenting 6 months after Laura stopped … Could it be? The boundaries of ego, body and identity

I have continued pursuing my interests in online therapy.

Laura cannot readily see things from another person’s point of view while still holding onto her own perspective Because she has difficulty manipulate, or shift between, two perspectives, she experiences her identity as threatened when she … consider someone else’s point of

she warned me when she thought I was doing “my therapy thing”

she wouldn’t accept formal therapy … she came and went at her will… but often on Tuesday or Thursday leaving a comment or two.

And my thought about video therapy sessions.

use it on a more or less structured way?

use of texting with some to varying degrees

Nevertheless, Laura very much wants to have friends. So she attempts to reach out in an awkward manner without too much eagerness, and then doesn’t understand why her efforts to connect with her peers are so unsuccessful.

 

Frida would want her to contact me … Ideas of reference elaborating into delusions fear of dissolving into the relationship

online is a safe place to retreat and have control over how much social stress to allow. A lurker

it’s because she’s “in hiding” and not really dealing with people. Socially, other kids pick up on this and, as a result, Laura is frequently bullied and teased for being different.

Verbally, Laura is talking TO, not WITH, someone else.

. the consolidation of identity

Because she cannot let go of her own perspective to appreciate what someone else may be seeing or feeling, social interaction does not go smoothly. Moreover, Laura is threatened by extreme social anxiety when she feels on the verge of surrendering her own identity in order to account for someone else’s. Emotionally, she is preoccupied with the conflict of how to protect from losing her identity and, at the same time, have friendships with other children, which she very much desire.

 

 

Laura ’s therapy helping her maintain her sense of identity in social situation ….. needs her own space. She reacts against intrusions, even if meant to be helpful, because they are perceived as threats to her very integrity.

Identity Issues

she has intense fascination with Frida which in the transferential space becomes affixed to Voynich …  she agrees that the words are meaningless except as action writing without any verbal sense … however she argues that the words are appendages to the pictures which are full of meaning and she translates for me by using software on the images.  This is one of the thematic lines , the line between apophrnia and insight where our sense of identity our ability to make sense of the world out there against seeing patterns that either don’t exist or carry unique and valuable insights.

We both use these researches as a media through which we become co-authors in a relationship

Frida Kahlo

Frida Kahlo *gelatin silver print *Oct. 16 / 1932
Frida Kahlo
*gelatin silver print
*Oct. 16 / 1932

Pirandello sat in his writing room into which characters came to him to share their narratives (img) King Henry wrote narratives for everyone he came in contact with George Kelly wrote characters for his patients. action takes place in the dialogue between therapist and patient…. subjectivism, Socratic Dialogue Object Relations Winnicott and the Squiggle Game Online Games Analytic Attitude Object Relations as a dialogue between entities … entities joining up to form an identity Endgame : the externalized dramatization of psychic object relations Gibson?:Cyberspace is the space which you enter on the telephone. Now social apps. Narrat

Why early 20s: I work best…

a verbal insightful dialogue with a give and take… the development of an adult identity…

I do my writing between patients (often between evening and morning patients)

My own failure as a patient/student/follower

Battling it out in institutions … finally able to focus on my work in my room

Pirandello’s characters coming to him in his study … (I remember this but can’t get precise quote… maybe later)

Only think you should get is money

creating within the transferential arena…

“Fictionalization of Psychoanalysis”

but generally feeling works neither as fiction or nonfiction Solomon as emotions happening in space between people a product of the therapy…

Books happen there as well

always Coded Nodes Process as and introduction and overview of the rest of the study the code prevents it from turning into a labyrinth or maze. Similar to how the process of assembling my notes had become an interpersonal dialogue The case where the therapeutic alliance breaks down in the termination phase – taking the training wheels off Plato as failing in the termination stage with his teacher Socrates Coded Nodes Process as and introduction and overview of the rest of the study An adventure each chapter a node

Pale Fire: narrative truth, historical truth the process of assembling notes as a mediated interpersonal dialogue between experiences of the self bring Graziano in here The case where the therapeutic alliance breaks down in the termination phase – taking the training wheels off Plato as failing in the termination stage with his teacher Socrates

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